Like a man possessed, I am at work.
Goals for 2019, goals for 2020, 5-year plan. To look ahead is to rule, or was it just the other way around?
Sweat breaks out in me, glowing cheeks and fingers flying across the keyboard at lightning speed. Growth, margins, cash flows, forecasts, profits. The numbers dizzying across the screen. I, as an Exel illiterate at one point no longer understand my own logic. How did I come up with these numbers? A deep sigh…. ( okay, and some swear words) two cups of coffee and start again. I’ll manage. Further with investments, analyses and FTEs. Where do we want to go, and how are we going to achieve it? And what do I need for that?
always that darn voice
And then that little voice again, You’re not good enough for this, you see… Why did you want this Esther, what did you get yourself into? It’s getting too big, out of control. You see, you are not good enough, not nearly good enough. You get caught up, there are companies copying like crazy. The pressure to perform increases. Costs, benefits, profits and losses. Like a mantra, it repeats itself. Figures, statistics, personnel costs. I’m not an accountant, I don’t get energy from numbers. I want to create beautiful things out of wood and metal. Making people happy, designing geometric shapes and inspiration. that in this context sounds a bit like flitting through life and not like the real-deals we deal with every day.
Thoughts tumbling over each other, uncertainties, “what if scenarios” : In a cardboard box under the bridge, together with the kids and pip. No vacations, no car. No more wines but tap water. For the rest of my life with a millstone around my neck. Failed…exit…badly failed. The stress is palpably present in my body.
Pfoeeeee, fear leads the panic. Why!!! I am always enthusiastic and optimistic. See a creative solution in everything. Positive mindset and two feet on the ground. Sober, bright and ( usually) not overconfident.
Angry at myself throw the whole fucking mess aside. (Sorry, really sorry but that’s just the way it felt). I put on my coat and go, I need air. Fresh air for a fresh head. Walking, I just want to walk … mile after mile.
A saboteur in my head
There is a saboteur in my head, throwing up an incredible blockade. Who is bullying me gigantically. Who is convincing me that I am not good enough. That I, with my ideas am not going to save myself, not Fabryk nor the rest of the world.
Like a movie, the December rain lashes my face. Crying profusely, and not even knowing why. These are my struggles. My issues when it comes to entrepreneurship. My fears. Fear of the unknown, the terrain not yet feeling safe? I don’t know. And also not knowing makes one anxious.
Without friction no shine!
When the tears run out, the fighting spirit comes back. What do you mean I can’t do this? I can do this fucking well!!! I am the best at this! I chop that huge pile of doubts into small pieces, clearing them one by one. I call the accountant for an appointment, my advisor for a good talk, and within an hour ram through all my “things to do.” Without friction no shine and no growth without growing pains. It now comes down to tapping into my creativity and coming up with a concept that we can build on in the coming years. I want to introduce even more people to Fabryk. Coming up with even more solutions to housing problems. Not to mention the most important pillars of the year, getting the day’s work done!
I feel a kind of victory flow over me. If I have learned one thing it is that it is better to gather around you people who are even better at it than yourself. The lines for the coming year have been set, the first steps already taken.
Fabryk to the next level. Hoppa bring it on!
X Esther
