Keep calm…

Nothing wrong with that, but I’m currently wallowing in self-pity….

Day 4 I threw the cigarettes aside.

Was I done with it? No actually not, because I like every cigarette. I know it’s bad, costs a lot of money, you stink it’s not nice for the people around you. But god, how delicious they were,  stress?  Taking a breather with a cigarette…. Weekend? A nice glass of wine with a cigarette. Party? More wine and more cigarettes….

A gnawing sense of guilt

And yet I felt a gnawing guilt with every cigarette that went up in flames. To myself, but also to my children, and that’s why it’s done now. Last cigarette smoked, pack empty and done.  With a feeling of: I CAN DO THIS I go to bed.

Energetic start

Self-assured, I start the day  in the morning, this still going well until the coffee break.  Then the “I can do this” feeling quickly subsided. Such a habit to do a fag afterwards, just like after lunch and dinner and the moments in between. Seeking distraction, drinking a glass of water and a piece of gum. But quickly back at the PC, bah I’m cold and can’t concentrate. A temper to boot. Is this all part of it? Just google it.

Hmmm yes yes yes, all very recognizable symptoms… OMG can this last 6 to 8 weeks?!!!! I can’t pull that off…then I’d better start smoking again! Who is fooling who I think a minute later. Surely that’s the little voice inside me that really wants to get some nicotine in. Es, this is a mental mindfuck, you are stronger than this. You can do it, you are worth it.  But everything really everything in me is screaming for a shot! Like a junkie, I feel in coat pockets for forgotten packs of cigarettes, turn the car inside out and am even able to retrieve an extruded cigarette from the flower pot. Okay, this makes no sense,  glass of water then and calm down. From now on it will only get better…. this was the worst attack you can have and you’ve had it now.

I am unenjoyable, say unmanageable

In the evening, I almost jump out of my skin when at dinner someone asks for a jar of applesauce that is not there. Create some drama over a jar of applesauce you would think. Silently I am looked at by 3 men strong whether I am all right? No, mom is not okay,  mom is having a hard time. Heeeeuuull heavy…..

I am visibly having a hard time… Or am I acting a little 😉

Thursday night is our regular drama night, after rehearsal it is always great fun during the after party. Never home before noon, but now I was off pretty quickly. It’s different without a cigarette, and it’s also a bit like tying the cat to the bacon when people around you go for a smoke under the guise of catching up.

Crazy theater nights 😉

And now, as I type this, I really would kill for even if it is only 1 puff…. 1 puff, inhale deeply, hold for a moment and blow out slowly.  Preferably with my eyes closed to keep the feeling with me as long as possible.

It’s still deep, but I plan to stick with it. I will be able to use some support here and there. Even if it is just an encouraging word or nod of recognition from an ex-smoker. Like, I know your feeling, but you’ll get through it! REALITY!!!  Meanwhile, I watch some more bad youtube videos about smokers’ lungs, asthmatics and amputated limbs.

With 7,000 followers on our channels, I do have a real stick. We’re going for it, on to a healty lifestyle.  Although my spirits are sinking at the moment. That’s why I sing along with Brigitte Kaandorp, a little self-mockery often helps; I have a very, very hard life…..


Happy weekend!

X Esther